fear and fustration

I'm really really scared about last year of uni.

I don't know what i want to do after i graduate, i don't even know which country i want to work in. I like PR but do i have the drive? and i doubt i will make it in London. I wanna write for a magazine but have no previous achievements/experience. I want to work in an auction house but can't think of what i could do since the HoA degree is so non specific. I want to work in Ldn becuase i miss it so much, especially friends. but i also want to work in HK because of family and conveniency and perhaps i'd feel more confident here.

I can't starst applying until i figure out what i want but i just can't decide. I want to start changing my CV and letter but it won't sound convincing unless it's what i really want to do. One thing is that i know i need to start soon.

I'm doing dissertation research and there's so much information that i can't remember anything i've read. i don't really see how i'm going to manage to write a whole thesis on the topic that's so broad. but i don't know how to narrow it down. yea HoA may be dossy but I still think theres a lot of work involved in it if you want to do well. Just don't see how i'm gonna cope but I will.

I just want a more defined vision of the future but i guess this is the road i've chosen to take so i will have to keep walking on it. one way or the other. It's like everyone i speak to knows what they want/what theyre going to do but i'm still dangling in mid air, half floating half sinking. It's not that i want to give up, it's just sometimes it's too misty to get out. It's not so much that i cant bebothered, its i cant figure out how i CAN be bothered when my head's just empty.

it's the fear and fustration of not knowing what you want, not knowing how you are going to cope that's pushing me backwards.

Boys and Girls,

I'm back in HK on Mon!

x

wishlist:

- Diesel belt
- Mango bag
- Mango skirt
- French connection trousers and skirt
- Quicksilver skirt
- the smallish Mulberry bag
- Ralph Lauren sunglasses
- Zara dress

blehhhh anyone feel like sponsoring? lol*

Thank You*

to every single one of you, in every different way.

x

" Never, never, never give up. " - Winston Churchill.

......sometimes i really do hate cambridge.

its just such an effing twisted place which puts so much pressure on you that you will inwardly if not outwardly explode.

over the past couple of weeks iv come accross at least five or six people whov said to me since uni, theyv lost all self confidence and all self love. and its true. you get in and in here its another story completely. you feel stupid, outright dumb and they tell you that too. as one DoS said to my friend:

"you're gonna feel stupid here, and you still will when you leave. but hey if you cant make it through, dont blame yourself too much. we were the ones who made the mistake of letting you in."

you supposed to feel better or worse after hearing that?........ you just feel soooo pressurised that you start shaking, sweating and become restless everyday. you cant sleep, start losing your appetite and in bad cases ppl attempt suicide. and its not unusual. if you think about it, out of the limited no. of ppl i know, four have tried it. o an a couple are on therapy for clinical depression. lovely.

no-one wants to fail. i dont want to be a failure to myself. iv never dissappointed myself so much before coming here and im sure thats the same with lots of people. but one thing to remember, we've got this far, we ARE capable, and whatever the outcome is, just know:
...exams are NOT the end of the world. give it your best shot; know you've tried.

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" A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. " - Winston Churchill